What to do if your date is moving too fast!
Some people in the dating world are REALLY EAGER to finally find someone. Sometimes this clouds their judgement of what is and is not a good match and they stop looking at the why and start focusing on the when. They ultimately end up moving too fast. Maybe their family is pressuring them to get it done already, or maybe they’re just really lonely. Whatever the reason, some people just end up pushing things along at an accelerated pace that may make you feel a little pressured.
This might be on the first date.. it might be on the 3rd date. It could be when you’re 1 month into a relationship.. What we’ll cover here is things that you can do to handle a person that is pushing too hard on the accelerator
Here we go…
1. Do not agree to more than one date a week.
It may seem counter productive to space things out this way.. but if the other person is honestly interested in you they will have no problem with this, at least from the start. Tell them you lead a very busy life and only really have time for one date a week. This will do two things; A. will show them that you’re important, and your time is valuable and B. will keep them enticed and yearning for your time.
If you execute this well in the first month of dating, you will be more satisfied with the relationship long term. It will keep things from accelerating too quickly as it will reduce the opportunity for acceleration.
Also it probably makes sense to have the dates in public places during this time so that the other side is less inclined to get handsy too soon.. If you reach a point where you like how it’s progressing and want to go to the next level, that’s when you can start to date more often and bring them back to your place. But do yourself a favor and don’t that from the beginning no matter how excited you are for the potential future.
2. Tell your date straight out to slow down
If you strongly feel that your date is moving too fast, and trying to push you into moving faster than you’re ready for then tell them. The best medicine is to let your date know in no uncertain terms that you’d like to take it slow.
To lessen the egotistical blow this may have on the other person you can cloak it in jest or a joke. But do be aware that some people will not get the message in this case and you may have to take a more direct approach if the message doesn’t seem to get across to them. Sometimes people just do not understand messages that are hidden in sarcasm or jest.
It’s a compliment that someone wants to move fast with you no doubt.. or at least there’s some sort of compliment there somewhere. It hopefully means they’re really interested in you, what you have to say, everything about you, and your history/background. However, it could just mean that they find you extremely attractive and really want to land you in bed. So be careful out there with fast movers. There’s really no reason to rush it, take your time, and tell them to take theirs.
It’s also very important during this phase to not lose sight of your friends too. I’m personally guilty of getting so wrapped up in a new love that I completely neglect my friends. Our relationships with our friends shouldn’t suffer because we found someone new. Don’t let that happen. You have plenty of time in this life to build this relationship with this new match over time.
3. Talk about past relationships.. see if they’re on the rebound
One of the reasons someone might be accelerating things is because they are on the rebound. People who have recently broken off a relationship are often extremely eager to get back into another one. They have a hole inside that instinct tells them they must fill, and fill quickly to avoid the hurt. Maybe this is why they’re rushing things?
Talk about past relationships with them.. find out if they’re on the rebound. Figure out what their goals for that relationship was, and what their goals for their next relationship are. Determine if they even have goals set up for their next relationship or if they’ve even thought about it. Some people just rush from one relationship to another without even thinking about what they want out of life and how the relationship with the next person could fit into that. They let the next relationship dictate where their life is going to go and consequently find themselves confused and wondering why they’re doing what they’re doing far down the road, which can ultimately result in relationship destruction.
Be sure as well that you’re not just a vehicle for them to accomplish a goal. Some people set out into the dating field and set the cart before the horse. They’re goals are shaped by their desire to get married, have kids and buy a house, when really they should just be focussing on finding someone they’re really compatible with. This is VERY bad and trust me when I say you do not want to get involved with someone that wants to jam you into a mold they’ve already set out even though you might not fit. Be careful here as this approach never works (note: I don’t have statistical data to make this claim, but I’m pretty sure of my assumption here)
4. Ask to postpone any conversations about the future
If you identify that someone is pressuring you too early and is talking about futures of the relationships a little too soon then say something. Ask if you can table discussions about the future until you both get to know each other a little better. Tell them that you want to live in the now, and not be so focussed on the future just yet. Tell them you want to experience the beautiful world around you instead.
However.. you may need to assure them that you will discuss it later on. If they’re really adamant about talking about future plans, then this might be a real red flag that they’re just interested in getting themselves into a marriage, instead of getting themselves into a “good” marriage.
5. PDA’s got you a little weirded out? too soon for that?
Public Displays of Affection. Some people love it.. some people hate it. For some this is a monster turn off. If your date is getting a bit too handsy, or making you or even your friends uncomfortable with his/her constant PDA’ing then there’s a few things you can do to guard against it and keep the PDAs in check.
A. Holding hands…. a LOT. If you’re date is constantly grabbing at your hand so they can hold it this is fine. It’s a very normal thing for two people to do. But if you don’t want to, then here’s what you can do. Hold their hand for a bit, maybe a few minutes, and then release their hand to fix your hair and then drop your hands by your side. You can also fake a sneeze, and then drop your hands to your side after. Basically.. keep the hand holding in check by breaking it up over time.
Is your date trying to kiss you a lot? Not ready? Ok.. step back and tell him/her that you think you might have caught a cold and don’t want to spread it. Act concerned for their health and well-being and the message will come across as if you care for them, rather than that you aren’t ready to kiss yet.
C. Back Pocket Bum Holding
Ahhh the wonders of seeing two people walking in the park each with their hands in the other’s back pockets pinching away. It’s a beautiful sight to see. Unless it’s happening to you and you aren’t ready for it.
If you’re not there yet, it’s ok. You can do one of two things. Be jestful and brush his or her hand away and say something like “Wait till we get home tiger”. Obviously only do this if when you get home you’re ok with them jumping you. By that time they will have been waiting all day and dreaming about the moment when you guys are alone, so be ready. The other approach is to snuff this out before it even has a chance to take hold by keeping your phone or some other thing in your back pocket closest to your date. They may try for the back pocket bum holding maneuver but when they’re met with a back pocket that’s filled with something, they’ll realize there’s no opportunity.
If someone is moving too fast for you it needs to be watched closely. They may not be good at being single, or may have goals that were set before you even entered the picture that they’re trying to achieve the fastest way possible. Maybe they have really low self confidence that they’re trying to boost up. Maybe they want to “prove something” to their ex that they can land a real relationship again before the other one can. Maybe they’re insanely attracted to you and mostly interested in sex as opposed to a long term real thing. Whatever the reason, normally they all point to red flags. So be careful out there with people acting like this. Analyze the situation, try to figure out the reasons behind it, and be honest with them if it gets to be too much.
Good luck out there