99 Problems But Matching Algorithms Ain’t One

Every site from eHarmoney to OKcupid loves to tout about their “secret sauce” matching algorithms. We’re sure you have seen the cheesy commercials boasting about how their sophisticated matching systems. We’ve done a lot of research here at Hey There and we asked ourselves…

are machines better matchmakers than we are?

How they (Match.com, OKcupid, eHarmony and others) can find singles everywhere a uniquely compatible soul mate at a click of a button is a mystery to all of us. Or is it? We are here to tell you it’s all FAKE NEWS! There is no scientific data to support any claim of matching algorithm superiority. Any claim is negligible at best!

fake news

Without any empirical data to support claims of matching algorithm success how can anyone say with any certainty that they are superior to any other form of matching or even matching people randomly? How do you honestly know their “algorithms” are actually taking into account any data at all and aren’t just literally “matching” you to whoever pops up in their system? Because they say so? really? You take them at their word?

Until the scientific community can get their hands on these mathematical cupid formulas to evaluate we are left to question their legitimacy. And there’s plenty of online daters who are NOT getting good matches who inevitably lead to question exactly that. Although we cannot produce a shred of evidence to back up their success due to their unwillingness to publish their algorithms we can make a determination about their fundamental flaw.

Mathematical matching algorithms are powered by two principles: similarities and opposite qualities. It is pretty much common sense to think that a match is best made when two people have more similarities versus people that are more dissimilar. It is also fair to go by the old adage that “opposites attract.” But don’t those two contradict each other? Even though it might make sense superficially, there is little evidence to support it as scientifically true. In fact there have been scientific studies that suggest neither principle has any impact on relationship quality. There are too many factors at play in human relationship building to think for a single second that a cookie cutter algorithm could predict anything. Far too many!

opposites attract in love

The facts are that no matching algorithm can predict long term success. They lack real life interactions and social circumstances. The algorithms are only as good as the data they process and so far the data is circumstantial at best. We have to realize that a lot of times the answers given to the questionnaires on dating platforms are often falsified and/or bent truths. Real life insights are the data points that matter. But how can we get that online?

Let me introduce you to “Hey There” which was created because it’s time for a change of approach.
hey there app icon

Our theory is that, even though we can’t process interaction between two people to predict relationship success we can at least provide real world insights. That is why we base initial matching off basic data like location, age, gender, and interests. But then we combine that with social insights from friends that have true relevance to matching. We believe where math matchmaking falls short our system based on people matching works best. Insights come from us as humans not machines.

Hey There… is not just a dating app – It’s a study in human psychology


A few years ago my best friend and I came up with what we believed to be a pretty great idea. As entrepreneurs, we’re constantly combing our everyday reality with our “is there anything that could improve on this experience” filter to see if there’s a new idea or product lurking.  At the time, we had just shut down a previous fitness app idea were determined to come up with a new software concept to pursue as a side project, that had one overarching theme..   helping people.  We spent a year in our basement think tank researching, planning, thinking, conceptualizing, and rethinking the concept that we would ultimately create.  As it turned out, the concept ended up being in the social networking / dating app realm.  And despite all the urging from many not to attempt to enter a market where giants lived, we did so anyways.  We noticed a gaping hole in the current offerings, and our entrepreneurial nature told us we needed to plug it, no matter how large the barrier to entry.  Little did we know that after 2 years of development efforts it would spawn into something that was going to be a hit with online daters.  The problem we aimed to solve was seemingly obvious and relatively simple.  The solution, was less so.  The problem was in how people made NEW connections in social networking.  We felt it was a bit broken with regard to making connections with people you don’t know you need to make a connection with.  Let us explain. 

The current landscape

All sites that we researched made connections based on 2 primary drivers:

  1. People you already know.
  2. People you may know because of people you already know.

* These 2 assumptions are the backbone of all social networking sites from Facebook to LinkedIn and outside real life connecting are the primary engines for making connections with people you don’t already know.

All social networking sites start out with the connections you already know.  Let’s say for example you just joined Facebook for the first time.  FB, will make recommendations based on your contact lists on your phone, email, other social network sites you’re already in, etc… as to whom you are already in contact with off-site who are also in FB.  The majority of these connections are going to be people you interact with already.  These connections are most likely already in your immediate social circle.  Once you get through that list, FB will start showing you people who you interacted with before, but maybe haven’t talked to in quite a while.  Sounds like a good formula to get you connected up right? Yes, this is #1 above and serves its purpose adequately.

The second driver, “people you may know”, is really the networking part of social networking, and the essence of every social based site.  It is likely that you do not know a single person presented in this list of friend recommendations but since they are curated based on people your friends know we have a natural tendency to believe maybe we should know them.  We may know them from a one time meeting while out with friends (and somehow FB knows that), or know “of” them through talking with our friends. Or maybe we have no idea who they are and ignore them immediately when maybe we shouldn’t.  Either way, this second driver is the one that’s flawed and/or doesn’t go far enough to benefit you as the user.

The problem

The problem we identified though, is that there is no list on any social network dedicated to “people we SHOULD know” and might never know if we do not blindly connect via these “people we may know” connections portals.  Where’s the degree of separation beyond first line?  Are people inclined to blindly friend everyone on the “people you may know” list and then inquire with them about why they should be friends?  NO!  That’s weird!  And as a result, there are countless instances of missed connections because people do not know who to connect with or why they should connect with them.

Why hasn’t this been addressed?
How could this be solved in a way that improves people’s lives?
Why would solving this make for a better social networking experience?
How could something that solves this improve an industry and help people meet others that they would be better off to know?

As entrepreneurs we are programmed to look for a problem and then solve it.  That, however, isn’t always the full answer.  You may be able to solve a “problem” but is your solution worth anything to anyone?  As important as solving the problem is figuring out a way to apply the solution so it brings value to someone.  We also looked at this as well and determined a specific application for our solution.  More on this later.

The “Warm Handshake”

We need a digital form of the “warm handshake”.  What is that?  Think about what you would do if you needed a service provider such as a plumber or electrician.  You’d likely ask your friends, family and/or neighbors for recommendations based on people they know and or have hired in the past.  Common scenario right?  It makes sense to do this because a past positive experience from someone you trust to tell you the truth is what you want to hear about before you potentially hire someone to come into your home, and fix your pipes.  It’s a comfort, trust and security thing.  Scenarios where we are formally introduced to someone we don’t know from someone we do know and trust are called “warm handshake” introductions.    This “warm handshake” gives all parties direct insights into the reasoning for being connected.  You know the plumber isn’t going to screw you over, and the plumber knows you’re not going to screw him.  “Warm handshake” introductions have meaning and purpose and more often than not lead to a successful connection that is beneficial to both parties.  Whether it is to a potential hiring manager, handyman, or new friend; introductions prefaced by one mutually known party that vouches for all involved sets the table for a quality connection.  These connections work best because they are pre-vetted.  This is also much of the thought process behind ratings and reviews of sellers on ebay, to reviews of carpenters on homeadvisor or Angie’s list.  So we believed that it would also stand to reason that it would work for social networking and people meeting people they “should” know or at the very least be compatible with.

Real quick backtrack to social networking sites.  In our opinion the “people you may know” functionality should be considered a cold lead.  Meaning, you most likely do not have any context of a potential friend request other than that they may know someone in your social circle.  This path to connectivity requires a serious and often lengthy commitment to getting to know someone who is a complete stranger turned potential digital acquaintance. These newfound acquaintances usually lay buried in a list with thousands of others never truly discovering their full potential.  We highly doubt anyone is doing this work.

Applying the “warm handshake” to an industry plagued with problems

This is really the genesis for our conceptual idea that spawned our app hey there…  We obsessed over the difference between online & offline behaviors when making connections.  We dissected warm versus cold introductions in all facets of online and offline relationship building.  We interviewed people on social networks.  We interviewed people on other relationship building services.  And we ultimately came to the conclusion that the best way to curate and explore new connections was with a more intimate system of discovery than existed already.  And that new system of discovery was most immediately needed in the online dating realm.  Perhaps nowhere is the need for friend insights more relevant than with dating.  Especially inside modern applications that all use stagnated notations of common friendships/acquaintances to try and crack this nut.  Where in online dating are our friends?  Over our shoulders.  Shoulder surfing our single friends while they’re on Tinder, Match, Eharmony, POF, or the like is something we saw time and time again in our research.  Why hadn’t anyone made the connection that friends like to help friends find matches?  Why are all online daters in a solitary, lonely experience on these apps?  Going it completely alone in a sea of strangers that may or may not be on the site for the same reasons as you.  Why had no one noticed that online daters are constantly taking screenshots of these apps and sending them to their friends for their advice on what to do?  Were we alone in observing this behavior?

Over the course of 2+ years, we built the hey there… system of direct friend insights to provide context, practical information, and where possible the potential for a warm handshake and applied it firstly to online dating.    To better understand how this all works let’s take take a deeper dive.


The wildly popular swipe app Tinder was one of the first sites to capitalize on using commonalities of interest and FB friendships when attempting to make new romantic connections.  The theory is that if you have friends and interests in common then you stand a better chance of hitting it off.  Sounds reasonable at first glance but what if the “common friends” are more common acquaintances?  We all know that people on social networks actually “collect” friends now.  So is there really any strength in this “common friends” approach?  Do these commonalities have any real meaning?  Does this help you to make a better and more informed decision as to if that person is a potential match?

We argue that in these instances all context is rendered useless and you are pretty much flying blind still.  Furthermore, even if we do know the people notated as common friends do we really gain any extra insight into this candidate just because they’re connected on a social network?  We argue no unless we reach out to those specific common friends to find out more details.  Only at this point would we truly stand to gain any relevant information that can affect our decision making process.  And we haven’t heard of anyone actually taking that extra step, so where’s the value?

Now what about the people on online dating who we do not share common friends with.  This is perhaps one of the most interesting dilemmas to explore.  Quick recap: we have candidates with common friends and/or interests, and now candidates with no commonalities.  Are these candidates less of a potential match?  In these instances should our friends be removed from the equation?  Do friend and family perspectives no longer matter?  Does the expansion of our social circle cease to matter?  We argue that this is where friend context is most critical and needs to be applied!  Friends can help by providing insights and perspective after careful review of the person you both don’t know.  Your friends and family know YOU. They’ve watched you go through heart break, and know what ticks you off to no end.  They know you’re quirks, and what you can’t deal with maybe even better than you do. If friends & family (our direct social circle influencers) know us best then it stands to reason that they can make certain inferences based on minimal information of a candidate when compared to what they intimately know about us.   For decades family and friends have been the most successful matchmakers in history.  More marriages and friendships have been made as a result of being personally matched by someone known and trusted within an existing social circle than any other method.  There are countries and religions that still rely on the knowledge of family to make appropriate marriage pairings.  You may think that strange, but there was certainly plenty of reasons for that to be the case in these cultures.  Techies have been trying to crack the matching nut using robotic algorithms for years but to date there is no technology that can compete with a pre-vetted friend made match.


This is where our app hey there… comes in.  We built it around the intrinsic human truth that our friends and family can provide very valuable insights into who we SHOULD know and meet.  Our application is built to emulate the way real life successful matches are made.  Traditional Social Networking and Online Dating sites are based on quantity and the concept of throwing enough spaghetti against the wall until something sticks.  Hey there… is built on quality within the quantity.   We want people to experience technology that hits on the most intrinsic essence of human nature which feels the most natural.  We look at our app as the new gateway to meeting people with an old fashioned twist.  Consider hey there… app the “warm handshake” in networking as applied to online dating.  The only application that wants to make real quality connections that are based on the input, insights, and perspectives from those closest to us.  

We’re not just a dating app

We have gone all in with our bet that people are still better matchmakers than algorithms and are enjoying watching the positive results come in.  We are not just a dating app – we are truly a social circle expansion app.  We believe that friends know us best, and if given the chance (and digital means) will help us reach our end goal of finding love.  With hey there… common friends is not just a footnote on a profile; they are active members helping their best of friends meet new people.  Sharing, advising, and with you every step of the journey.  Single people that join our app to find love, can also invite their best friends into the app to help them achieve that goal.  Not to mention the fun of having your friends in the app with you making you matches, writing you endorsements, helping you with your profile, and more.  Come see why our our wingman/friend role is poised to be a monumental shift in brokering new romantic and platonic relationships while bridging gaps in social circles.  


We are available for download on the Apple App Store and Google Play.  For more details visit our site www.heythere.us

Hey There… on Itunes (Apple)

HeyThere… on Google Play (Android)


Just be real from the start!

Recently a really good question about a very common issue for many online daters was asked in the Hey There New England Singles Group on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/groups/heytherenewenglandsingles/)

Donn: ”How many times have y’all been on a few dates everything seems great then bam! They flip a switch and are like a completely different person…. Just be real from the start!! I can’t stand that sh@#. I will leave regardless because to me you played me!”

Unfortunately for our friend Donn, he experienced the online dating bait and switch. Everything is going well for a hot minute then suddenly everything changes drastically. That amazing person you were all excited for turns out to be someone totally different. Did you just meet Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde? The truth is that online dating makes it very challenging to just be yourself.

The Bait

The goal of every online dater is to advertise themselves as a great catch. In this attempt to portray themselves in the best possible light, the tendency is to create a profile based on what we think other people find attractive. Creating false identities and personas online is extremely easy to do. A person can pretend to be anyone they want to be. The most common fabrications online daters make are personality, physical appearance, careers, and financial status. Use the right “bait” and attract that trophy fish. Every exaggeration is in an attempt to become the most desirable candidate on the market. White lies in regards to height and weight are usually forgiving by most. But when it comes to personality and character not so much!

The Switch

Most people are not blessed with the necessary acting skills to keep up with their fabrications. Sooner or later the switch happens revealing their true self. It totally catches you off guard leaving you ask… Am I talking to the same person? What the hell just happened?

The switch happens quickly. Just like what happened with our friend Jenn from the group.

Jenn: “I had that happen recently with someone. He came back from his business trip in LA and was a completely different person then I had been led to believe.”

No one likes to be led on. It hurts! It’s a total waste of time and energy! Worst of all, it makes it difficult to not be guarded in the future! Is it so hard to just be yourself?

Creating a false persona is easy. Keeping that persona up is the hard part. The best remedy here is to just be yourself at all costs. People appreciate REAL! Our friend Donn from the group said it best…”just be real from the start!” You may think people want a certain type of person but reality is people appreciate honesty and realness more than anything.

Before hopping back on your favorite dating app. Take a few moments to ask yourself these 2 questions.
Am I truly being myself? Remember, we are all unique in our own ways. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you are not. Anyone deserving of your time and company will appreciate you for you are, not for who you pretend to be. And do you really want to keep up a fake profile in real life for who knows how long? No.. so don’t do it to start with.
Am I being completely honest with prospective candidates? Make sure all the info you add to your profile is legit. No one wants to find out later on that you lied about your love for animals. Make sure that your intentions are realistic. If you are looking for a hookup don’t lie and say you want a long-term thing. Better to be candid about yourself in all ways! Makes it much easier to find someone that you will be compatible with.

Keep in mind these 3 tips for success!

1. Keep one eye open, one eye closed. Being a little guarded is ok and can spare you from some unnecessary hurt. Always keep one eye open to be able to pick out the deceptive candidates. But you also need to keep one eye closed to be able to take chances in order to find the “one! You never know who’s going to walk around that corner next.

2. Ask friends to help out. It’s always a good idea to have an extra set of eyes looking out for you. Friends are more likely to keep it real and call BS. They can also keep us honest in what we say about ourselves.

3. Most importantly just be real from the start! When you can truly be yourself around someone then you know you found the perfect match 🙂


The Hey There… Wingman

Wingman Wisdom… More women need to make the first move!

Wingman Wisdom…

The dreaded first move!  

As a society we’ve made major progress with gender equality.  Women have climbed corporate ladders to new heights and even shattered the proverbial glass ceiling with the first major bid for the U.S. Presidency.  However, when it comes to dating there is still a question of equality when making the first move.

Traditional ways of meeting new romantic connections have been replaced by digital meeting grounds.  The really cool thing about dating in the digital age is that it’s a virtual even playing field.  There aren’t old school social norms or unwritten rules of engagement.  With a simple tap of a button, anyone can reach out to anyone equally to express interest.   

Despite all this progress there is still doubt as to whom is supposed to break the ice.  The question was posed to our New England Facebook Singles Group (link) to gain more insight from real singles actively dating online.  

Group member Khary kicked off the thread by asking… “So how many of you ladies reach out to men you’re interested in? For those who don’t why don’t you?”

67% of single women respondents preferred the guy to initiate interest.  Even with significant changes to dating environments and social behaviors, women are still reluctant to be first.  Why is this?

Chrissy:  “I’m painfully shy…”  

Shyness was the most common theme.  Online dating can be a very overwhelming and awkward experience.  It even challenges the most extroverted person to come up with an interesting first message that will capture someone’s attention.  Don’t be timid as a simple “hey there…” will be a great first message!  Break out of your comfort zone so you don’t miss out on that potential match.  Guys will be impressed by your confidence.

April:  “I just consider myself to be an old fashioned type and I prefer a man that is willing to initiate contact…”

There is still an element of old school expectations that the guy needs to initiate contact.  Call it chivalry… Call it tradition…  Call it old fashioned…  We’re thinking that all you can probably also call it an unfair expectation.  Many guys actually prefer that women be the initiator.  In a highly competitive and often cluttered environment it can significantly help distinguish interest faster.  Many first messages from serious candidates get lost in the mix of unwanted messages from pervs and mismatches.  Think of it as you taking control of your dating destiny.  Your online success might be determined by your initiative.   

Anad:  “Then there is the fear of rejection…”

Rejection sucks!  It’s a major blow to our egos. Getting over the fear of rejection is a difficult task that requires stepping out of your comfort zones. Think about it like this;   What’s the worst that can happen?  Someone is not interested!  Get over it and move onto the next candidate.  Dating is an odds game.  Conquer your fears and increase your chances of finding that perfect match.   

Just because men are expected to be the initiator it doesn’t mean they are comfortable with it.  Men face the same issues as women in regards to being shy, awkward and fearing rejection.  Bottom line is, both men and women have similar challenges with dating.  Only difference is that our roles in the process are still influenced by social norms of yesteryear.  

Some women respondents were very comfortable with making the first move. In fact they preferred it!  This group was significantly more confident in themselves.  They had stepped out of their comfort zones and conquered their fears.   In doing so their dating lives became much more efficient and enjoyable.  It became a more rewarding and empowering experience. It helped them to narrow down the field of candidates to only the ones they had interest in. Saving them time and limiting the pains of weeding through all the mismatches.   

***Really cool side note!  The entire group was encouraging and supportive to everyone that participated in the thread.   Sharing in experiences with your peers provides an opportunity to gain great advice, feedback and personal enrichment.  Try joining a group or buddying up with your peers to work through all the nuances of online dating.

The one constant that remains true for both traditional dating of yesteryear and dating in the digital age is that making the first move is probably the single most difficult and feared part of a single life.  It may be difficult, but you should really try to be confident, practiced and able to handle rejection.  It really is the key.

Ron: “Confidence is sexy and much appreciated. Breaking the ice is the hardest part..”

 Work on developing the confidence necessary to successfully navigate through the modern dating scene.  Know what you want and go after it!  


Staying safe when online dating…

Hey There… 2017

With online dating season now in full swing it’s important to be a little cautious as the potential for danger lurks around every corner.  Scams are on the rise costing online daters more than just a broken heart.  Scams cost singles hundreds of millions of dollars every year.  But the hardships of online dating are not reserved for just criminal scammers.  Many online daters fall prey to serial daters that break hearts at every click.

A great article in the Chicago Tribune from Jackie Pilossoph describes an experience with one of her online dating friends and offers some great tips for staying safe.  

Pilossoph offers these valuable insights into online dating to protect your heart and well being…

“1. Be Mindful When Posting Pictures: Online dating means exposing your photos to thousands of men and women you know nothing about. So, while people always want to show off their children and express how much they love being a parent, it’s not worth strangers seeing the photos. Once you have met the person a few times and trust him or her, that’s when showing photos of your kids is great.

2. Talk to the person on the phone before meeting. Also, meet in a public place where you feel comfortable and take your own car.

3. Do a Google search and Google image search. These days, it’s so easy to check someone out yourself. Once you know the person’s last name, start with a Google Image search. You can learn a lot, most notably, if the person is assuming someone else’s identity or is pretending to be someone else (also known as “catfishing.”)

4. Don’t put your last name, your address or where you work on dating apps.

5. Use Facebook referrals. In other words, if you see that the two of you have mutual friends on Facebook, reach out to those people and ask about him or her.

6. Don’t use your regular cellphone or home phone. Instead, you can use a Google Voice account, which is a free service that you can easily sign up for at no charge. If you want to go a step further, there is a new app called Burner, which is a phone number that disappears if you choose to no longer allow this person to contact you.

7. Don’t share and check in where you are going on Facebook. Instead, post pictures when you get home. There is no need for anyone to know that you aren’t at home, especially someone you might have dated where the relationship ended badly.

8. Don’t spend too much time in a texting/phone relationship. After a few conversations or a couple weeks at the most, move it offline or move on to someone else.

9. Expect that you will meet people who disappear for no reason. It’s hard not to take things personally when dating, so if someone stops responding or is suddenly not on the app anymore, assume he or she either got back together with someone else or met someone special and decided to be exclusive. We would all like to hope that someone would give us an explanation, but that usually doesn’t happen. Try to move on and realize it was most likely nothing you said or did.”

No matter how experienced you are online always remember the hearts desire to find companionship and love can be blind to the dangers that await online.  It’s always great practice to keep a level head.  Whether you are online or off in pursuit of love always keep one eye open to guard against hurt, while keeping on eye closed to take a chance on the unknown.  Stay safe and best of love this 2017!

Full article from Jackie Pilossoph:  http://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/evanston/lifestyles/ct-evr-love-essentially-tl-0128-20160120-column.html