Wingman wisdom… Make the first date a first meet!

Wingman wisdom… Make the first date a first meet!

It’s a match!  Everything has clicked and you are ready to transition from the digital world into the real one.  The pressure is on to figure out the where, when and what to do!  Planning the first date is challenging!  Especially when you are moving from online to off.  You really don’t know all that much about the person.  I mean come on…how much insight can you really have from a weeks worth of sharing photos, texts and maybe even a brief phone call.  With so little insight into your “match” how the hell do you plan a great first date?  In my expert wingman opinion, you don’t!  Don’t even think about it till after the first meet!

 

Changing “date” to “meet”!

It’s estimated that online daters spends on average $20k on dating related expenses within a five year span.  Now imagine how much time and effort is also exhausted!  Whoa, Right!  Unfortunately, the modern digital dating scene is really tough.  It’s riddled with fakes, scammers, and ill-intentioned folks misrepresenting themselves in all ways.  This often leads to one bad date after another.  Ultimately leading to a great amount of disappointment!  So, what’s the best way to take your connection offline?

After years of experience I found a very simple and effective solution; the “first meet” rule!  This simple rule will change your entire dating experience!  First, simply substitute “meet” for “date.”  This immediately lowers expectations to a more reasonable level.  Next, change your mind set to be more connection focused.  Think of it like this… before you can make a real first date doesn’t it make sense to see if there is an in-person connection!  Finally, get rid of all the pressure!  The connotation of “date” is so damn rigid and formal.  So to alleviate all pressure it’s best to simplify the first get together entirely.

Every “first meet” should be casual, simple, and light.  This allows for both parties to be me comfortable and to just be yourselves.  To really make your “first meets” great follow these simple rules…

Wingman Tips Rules

  1. Keep it casual!  You are not walking down the aisle just yet in a tux or gown.  It’s just a first meeting and no need for unnecessary pressures.  For example make plans to meet up at low key coffee shop where you can spend some time chatting.  Yes, it is a bit cliche.  However it is a highly effective!    A huge plus here – it’s much easier to leave a bad first meet than an extravagant dinner date.  
  2. Set a maximum time!  Keep the meeting to an hour max.  Mention this prior to meeting so that there is no misunderstanding.  An hour is ample time to make a first impression and to know if the potential exists for a future romantic connection.  Best perk is this minimizes the max time on bad first meets.  
  3. No pressure mindset!  Knowing you are only meeting the person versus having a date should remove all unnecessary pressures.  This makes it easier for you to just be yourself and enjoy the time getting to know one another.  Maybe you will find a new friend or maybe it’s time to plan a romantic date.  Just go with what feels right!

There are couple primary benefits to “first meet” rule.  First, if there is no connection it’s super easy to move past all negative experiences.  Most important, if you do hit it off, it is a lot more fun and easier to plan a romantic first date.

 

My Personal Experience

This advice comes directly from my own personal experiences.  During the time I was creating hey there… dating app I was very active on the dating scene.  Date after date without any romantic connection.  I was getting extremely frustrated with lack of results.  So much so that I began questioning online dating all together.  I knew I had to do something to make it into the fun experience it was intended to be. So I created the “first meet” rule!   It immediately had a profound effect on my dating life.  I started having fun meeting people again.  I was less concerned about results and more happy to have the opportunity to meet new people. I made many new friends as a result.  Ultimately, I ended up meeting one amazing woman!  It all started with a simple meet up over a coffee at Starbucks.  We instantly hit it off and couldn’t wait to see each other again.  We planned a romantic date soon there after.  Many dates later we are still together and looking forward to a future together.  We often look back at our first meeting and try to encourage others to take the same positive approach we had that day.  No pressure, carefree, and just enjoying the opportunity to meet someone new with the potential for romantic connection.  There is an old saying that goes something like…  “it’s not where you are that matters but rather who you’re with that does.”  In essence that is the meaning of the “first meet!”   Dating can be so damn complicated.  In my opinion there is no need to make it even more complicated with unnecessary pressures of grandiose first dates.  The connection is with the who ….not the where, when, or what!

 

Wingman Wisdom… More women need to make the first move!

Wingman Wisdom…

The dreaded first move!  

As a society we’ve made major progress with gender equality.  Women have climbed corporate ladders to new heights and even shattered the proverbial glass ceiling with the first major bid for the U.S. Presidency.  However, when it comes to dating there is still a question of equality when making the first move.

Traditional ways of meeting new romantic connections have been replaced by digital meeting grounds.  The really cool thing about dating in the digital age is that it’s a virtual even playing field.  There aren’t old school social norms or unwritten rules of engagement.  With a simple tap of a button, anyone can reach out to anyone equally to express interest.   

Despite all this progress there is still doubt as to whom is supposed to break the ice.  The question was posed to our New England Facebook Singles Group (link) to gain more insight from real singles actively dating online.  

Group member Khary kicked off the thread by asking… “So how many of you ladies reach out to men you’re interested in? For those who don’t why don’t you?”

67% of single women respondents preferred the guy to initiate interest.  Even with significant changes to dating environments and social behaviors, women are still reluctant to be first.  Why is this?

Chrissy:  “I’m painfully shy…”  

Shyness was the most common theme.  Online dating can be a very overwhelming and awkward experience.  It even challenges the most extroverted person to come up with an interesting first message that will capture someone’s attention.  Don’t be timid as a simple “hey there…” will be a great first message!  Break out of your comfort zone so you don’t miss out on that potential match.  Guys will be impressed by your confidence.

April:  “I just consider myself to be an old fashioned type and I prefer a man that is willing to initiate contact…”

There is still an element of old school expectations that the guy needs to initiate contact.  Call it chivalry… Call it tradition…  Call it old fashioned…  We’re thinking that all you can probably also call it an unfair expectation.  Many guys actually prefer that women be the initiator.  In a highly competitive and often cluttered environment it can significantly help distinguish interest faster.  Many first messages from serious candidates get lost in the mix of unwanted messages from pervs and mismatches.  Think of it as you taking control of your dating destiny.  Your online success might be determined by your initiative.   

Anad:  “Then there is the fear of rejection…”

Rejection sucks!  It’s a major blow to our egos. Getting over the fear of rejection is a difficult task that requires stepping out of your comfort zones. Think about it like this;   What’s the worst that can happen?  Someone is not interested!  Get over it and move onto the next candidate.  Dating is an odds game.  Conquer your fears and increase your chances of finding that perfect match.   

Just because men are expected to be the initiator it doesn’t mean they are comfortable with it.  Men face the same issues as women in regards to being shy, awkward and fearing rejection.  Bottom line is, both men and women have similar challenges with dating.  Only difference is that our roles in the process are still influenced by social norms of yesteryear.  

Some women respondents were very comfortable with making the first move. In fact they preferred it!  This group was significantly more confident in themselves.  They had stepped out of their comfort zones and conquered their fears.   In doing so their dating lives became much more efficient and enjoyable.  It became a more rewarding and empowering experience. It helped them to narrow down the field of candidates to only the ones they had interest in. Saving them time and limiting the pains of weeding through all the mismatches.   

***Really cool side note!  The entire group was encouraging and supportive to everyone that participated in the thread.   Sharing in experiences with your peers provides an opportunity to gain great advice, feedback and personal enrichment.  Try joining a group or buddying up with your peers to work through all the nuances of online dating.

The one constant that remains true for both traditional dating of yesteryear and dating in the digital age is that making the first move is probably the single most difficult and feared part of a single life.  It may be difficult, but you should really try to be confident, practiced and able to handle rejection.  It really is the key.

Ron: “Confidence is sexy and much appreciated. Breaking the ice is the hardest part..”

 Work on developing the confidence necessary to successfully navigate through the modern dating scene.  Know what you want and go after it!  

 

The BIG change in online dating you need to know about!

Unlike traditional dating websites, hey there… matches compatible men and women based on friend approvals, validation and support. Our friends are the best predictors of long-term relationship success. Finding compatibility through traditional dating methods, like swiping aimlessly through tons of random people, is usually a frustrating and time consuming way for cultivating and screening prospective candidates.

At hey there… , we brought the personal back into online dating with the advent of the friend advisory role called wingers. Hey there… is committed to elevating all the pains of conventional dating sites with a process that mirrors our everyday real life experiences. We focus on the trust already established with our platonic friendships in finding prospective candidates. You can say goodbye to the solitary and randomness that you are used to and “hey” to finding love with the help of our most trusted advisors.

Finally a dating app that was built with real people in mind instead of pop psychology questions and algorithms. It’s as simple as saying “hey” and as real as our friends. Start experiencing a new era of online dating with hey there… app and see how dating just became fun again.